Hey there,
Been some months since my last update. I’m not going to make any excuses other than the anniversary of my illness (13/2/2016) came and went, and I needed to get over that in my own way. Sorry.
So….it’s been 1 year 3 months since my illness, and I’m so happy to say I’m progressing so well! I’d say I’m 90% back to physical health, which is amazing!! I’ve been eating healthy since Feb and am now back down to my hospital discharge weight. I’m still bloody fat but I’m starting to feel like I have a reason to lose weight now, a purpose to achieve. I’ve got a fitbit thanks to the lovely Liz, and I’m always last in the workweek hustle and weekend warrior, but I can walk….so I really don’t care!
I am also still off the fags!! 15 months of non-smoking and whilst I’d love to say I’m mega rich, I’m simply less in debt. How on earth I managed to afford to smoke I’ve no idea. Well I do, but it involved running up credit card debt. I’m now £5k less in debt than I would have been….result!
I’ve been attending the traumatic brain injury clinic in Isebrook but have just been discharged following some extensive tests that really put me through my paces. I’m not gonna lie, it was so exhausting, but I’ve registered above average or superior in most areas, which is nice to know, and they don’t have any concerns with me doing my day job. I’m in a much more stable position mentally now, I can grasp most words and stringing a conversation together is much easier. I guess what seems a chasm to me in my thought processes is mere micro seconds in reality. I’m just used to operating at a higher level than I am currently. I still struggle to multi-task so talking on the hands free phone to a colleague last week I had to say “apologies, I need to end the call, I’m arriving at the M6 toll and if I don’t hang up, I’ll crash straight through the barrier”. I mean, I used to be able to drive a van, light a fag, eat my lunch and drink a diet coke, all on the south circular, with a map on my lap….ah them were the days! I’ll get there….slowly but surely.
So here’s the difficult bit. The emotional recovery has been much more difficult this year than my physical one was last year. 2016 was all focussed on building back my muscles, regaining my independence, being able to drive, function as a human being again. So as soon as that happened, and I was kinda able to put my physical recovery to the back burner, the realisation of the emotional, mental side hit me. I realised how ill I’d been, something that took a good 12 months to sink in (and still is). Panicking about what I’m doing with my life is now front and centre of my thoughts pretty much daily. I started having pretty regular panic attacks in Jan and I’m still having them now, my anxiety is off the scale some days. I just have to know I can get through this. Luckily I have an amazing GP and support group with ICU steps, and simply talking to others, patients and partners, of people in my situation is so helpful. I guess the main bit I’ll keep in mind is that what I’m feeling is perfectly normal. It’s normal. Normal. And yet terrifying at the same time.
I don’t want to talk myself into another panic attack so now let’s focus on the fun stuff! I’ve recently joined an orchestra, it’s been so much fun playing the violin again. I was so rusty to begin with but I’ve played my first concert and I’ve another couple this year to go. I’m still nowhere near as good as I used to be but I’m enjoying finding my fingers again, and playing new and exciting works is a great boost to my happiness. It takes my mind off all the bad shit and I can get lost for 2 hours in the music.
I’ll try not to leave it so long between posts next time. I will be back, hope this helps others going through coma recovery. Apologies for laying my soul bare in this post, but I felt it was important to highlight that once the physical recovery takes place, the really hard work needs to be put in. Be kind to yourself, be good, do good, live and love life, always.
D xx
comarecoveryblog 