Driving, and drinking!! (but not at the same time)

Hey there,

Hope you’re all well?

It’s been 5 months since I left hospital and looking back over my posts, I can see progress in how I write, and the speed with which I can write more to the point!!  Vic’s diary used to take me hours to transcribe but now I can type away quite happily.

I need to clarify one point from my first post, I’ve got a brain injury not brain damage.  As much as I try to edit the post, I just can’t figure it out, no idea why!!  Difference being I will fully recover as opposed to permanent damage I hope.  My lovely follow up nurse is referring me to the traumatic brain injury clinic, not because I’m a vegetable, but because my brain isn’t working at the speed it used to, which causes me to get very stressed and upset, I get angry and then I cry.  I’m so used to having a high IQ (but no common sense) it’s so frustrating to be operating at a much slower rate than I’m used to.

My emotions are all over the place, I cried at watching Pete’s Dragon with my mum and nephew this week.  I cried today when I thought I’d upset someone.  I cried yesterday when I found out I’d upset my nephew.  I’m generally just crying at anything and everything at the mo, dog clips, sad stories on facebook, adverts on telly……what a wimp!!  I’m on some good drugs to help with my emotional recovery and this is perfectly normal as part of my recovery.  As my ITU nurse said, to them it’s still very early days in my recovery, it’s a matter of weeks.  I am a member of an online support group and I see people 12 months, 24 months and longer into recovery and it will be a slow process but I will get there.  I guess I’m gutted that 1-2 years of my life will be about recovery, which in the context of my life is quite significant, but done right, I should hopefully have a long and happy life ahead of me.

So I was not allowed to drive for work for a while as I was so nervous about how I would cope in rush hour traffic.  Having spent several hours of my life on the M25, M1, M6 etc., I know how stressed I used to get with other drivers on the road, my rage monster rearing it’s head with various hand gestures and exchange of advice to other drivers.  I do (did) c. 35,000 miles per year so there’s not many circumstances I can’t anticipate such as lorries pulling out, being tailgated, silly lost drivers, other drivers speeding, so I consider myself a pretty competent driver.  However given that I’m an emotional wreck at the mo, the real test would be being in traffic with no co pilot and no way of coping.  I’ve now been in several situations whereby I’ve driven at a snails pace on the M25, been in bumper to bumper traffic on the M1, and have driven for 5.5 hours straight when I went to Kent last week.  Bupa have now signed me back on for driving for work so I plan to go into the office more which will really help with getting back to normality, and seeing my work pals will cheer me up no end.  I’ve missed those guys!!

And now the drinking……I’ve been putting off getting drunk ever since my coma, not knowing how I’d cope, if I’d want a cigarette, not wanting to hand control over to another substance.  We were invited to our good friend’s 50th birthday party last weekend, so we did a pit stop with our lovely pals Kylie and Mike in Kent, parents to our little Goddaughter and her sister.  Now me and Kylie have always had a bit of a reputation with the old rum.  I’ve always blamed her, she’s always blamed me.  We just don’t know when to quit…..and this weekend was no exception!!  It started off so well with a small beer.  Then I made, what I thought was a weak, turbo pimms.  Only it wasn’t weak, it was strong as hell!!  A few Rekorderlig cocktails later, then out came the 8 year old Cuban rum, a Christmas present from Kylie I’d been saving for a special occasion, then out came the Sailor Jerry’s, then the Bacardi Oakheart…….. I called it a night around 2am, leaving Kylie and Adam up waiting for Mike to get in from work.  Just as well they were hammered as he didn’t get home until 8am, so they went to bed around 3am and let’s just say, a little redecorating of the bathroom was had (but not by me!!).

To say my husband was proud of me seems stupid, but he was.  We haven’t let our hair down together since my illness and this was a massive first for me.  I will have a few more firsts to go, such as staying away from home overnight with work (next week) which my lovely Mum bless her offered to kip with me in the Town House at work.  I said it wouldn’t quite work because how would I hide my Mum whilst completing a full 2 days in the office??  “erm…Deb….who’s that little old lady sat in the corner…?”  It’s just something I’ll have to do and keep my mobile and inhaler to hand.  I know it’s far more worrying for Mum than it is for me, as she found me in the bedroom when I went blue, I was still chatty but was talking bollocks and my face was blue from lack of oxygen.  I was hallucinating, in my mind I was in a tent with my in laws and my father in law held my hand, I was then wheeled out to an ambulance in daylight but I don’t think it was daylight when I was taken in?  I dunno….!!  Anyhooooo, yes it will be stressful to be alone in a room by myself when if that had happened on the Saturday in Feb, I’d not be here, I’d have died in my bed, but it will be far less stressful for me than for my family.  I’ll be reet, it’ll be ok I’m sure.  For a start, I ain’t got swine flu no more!!  My peak flow is good and I’m not smoking so hopefully no pneumonia either.  I’m rambling again, I need to put in more paragraphs…!!

Today is my birthday, and it was so lovely to spend the day with my Mum at Whittlebury Hall Spa, we were thoroughly pampered with ESPA massages and facials, 3 course lunch and an afternoon cream tea to boot!!  I’ve made it to 39!!!!!!!  Holy crap that sounds old but I’m so happy I’m alive I really don’t even care!!  I’m proud to be 39 and I’ll be chuffed to fucking bits if I make it to 40!!  I will never complain about my age ever again……xxx

My hair is growing back nicely but I can’t rotate my photo so you’ll have to tilt your head with this next one.   If it weren’t so damn short I’d “brave the shave” for Macmillan, something I’ve always wanted to do, but as I shaved it off only a couple of months ago, seems so insignificant a gesture compared with women and men shaving off their lovely locks.

Adam and I are currently tag teaming the loo (please excuse the poo talk from here on in, I’ve no filter and it’s only a bodily function so everyone poops!!).  I had a colonoscopy last week and he has one tomorrow.  I must say, I don’t know if it was the drugs (it was the drugs!!), but I have the nicest looking colon ever!!  I was off my tits and my 2pm conference call didn’t happen as I slept through until 7pm.  Poor Adam is now suffering the moviprep and I’m watching the Olympics whilst listening to the toilet downstairs going every few minutes.  Poor bugger!!  It didn’t hurt, I’ve told him this, but I know he’s so worried that he’s got “death of the colon”, fingers crossed it’s just IBS or stress related because both of our issues came on when I went into hospital but let me tell you, 6 months with the Eartha’s is no fun!!

 

So on that shit note, I’ll love you and leave you, a year older, still here, still recovering, with new curly and slightly greying hair!!

D xxx